POI

poicc @ 2002-03-15T02:55:00

2002-03-15T07:54:27Z

hey yeah... it's just past my birthday. all my friends got together to celebrate with a surprise party, my first ever! all planned by jen of course, everybody who i know showed up, which wasn't much but it was max capactiy, around 20 or so people? i'm kind of overwhelmed that they would do such a thing, kind of happy. it's been awhile since i've really been wished a "happy birthday" by anybody. today, i got a call from my mom, talked to aileen, talked to bert, and basically got a well wish from everybody i met. that's kind of crazy. at the same time though, i didn't get a single word from patty. it just makes me sad. i know i'm not at the forefront of anything in her life, but still... i don't know. how can i even expect anything? just feel bummed, i may just be selfish.

on why i haven't been writing? stuff that's happened...

2002-02-07T02:41:12Z

haha, i am sick, that's not a mood, that's a physical state of being. i feel gassy, my throat hurts, and my body is sore. anyway, i don't know why i'm starting to write now of all times (i'm in the middle of doing some orgo labs.. yeah, that's right.. some!). i guess i want to get things off my chest. i'll start with the minor news. last semester (?!) after finals, we unwound with a big dinner at the macaroni grill which was preceeded with everybody going to watch lord of the rings. good news is i guess i didn't have ot unwind much; i aced last semester with a 4.0. yup, lath decided at the last minute to give everybody a's. he's the greatest guy. the rest of the classes were due to work factor. anyway, break was ok, borrowed ffx from my bro and beat it. spent all my time at home, talking to sis and bro. at the end of break, went on a mini road trip with my buddies betty, zhuting, ray, and frankie. had a buncha fun. we just hung out at betty's bs'ing and goofing off (and cooking ourselves dinner. we had breaded mushrooms, chicken cutlets, and a chicken with pepper stir fry!). then we went down to ray's and basically spent our time eating (at chowder pot!!!) and playing board games and just chatting. then came school... i'm currently being a bum and only taking 13 credits... wait, this is where i should end because i should go finish those labs and come back and write.... yeah! it's a plan.

why oh why?

2001-12-15T07:59:07Z

I don't know anymore... It's really been a while since I've written anything. Even "major" things that happen to me seem not to be very important. Well here I am to write something down for the sake of posterity? Is that even the right word? But who cares... Major news is that Patty "found out" that I like her. I don't know how to explain my fondness for her... and it was apparently blatantly obvious to all of her friends that I "had a thing" for her. I guess I really wanted to be known, that I betrayed myself purposefully... Well, the good news is that we're still friends. I feel like she thinks of me as an aberration, a guy who likes her. I don't know what I feel, I'm kind of happy she still talks to me. That's all... I'm so petty.
So ok, that part isn't the important part. The imporant part is what happened today. I have to write these things down so that I don't forget them. I'm so damn confused. Ok, here's what happened. Patty IM's me and asks "do you think I need psychiatric help?" Of course my answer is no. I can't even take my response seriously, it's so colored by bias it's not funny. Anyhow, we start discussing how she is dettached and repressed, how she is an empty shell... She claims she has no emotions. She claims that she is so always full of logic. Somehow I got her to admit that in actuality there are two portions of her brain. One that is logic, one that is emotion. She says that the emotional part is miniscule and that the other is overbearing and crushing in its dominance. I believe there is a third part. It reminds me of the id, the ego, and the super ego. One that does what it wants, one that exerts control, and one that decides. Ok anyway, she started distracting me with all this nonsense, and then finally I was able to get back on topic but then she dismissed me saying that she needed to study! (ok, this recap blows, I will put up a private post of the convo later.)
Ok, that's a sucky recap of what happened. All that remains is what do I feel? What do I think? I really think that Patty in someway is saying that she wants some emotion. I mean, why would she bother to bring up a topic like this? If she was so logical, rational, and jaded, why would she bother to even waste time talking about this? For that matter, what is my interest in this? Everything I feel, everything I do, is tainted by my fondness for her. Am I truly concerned or am I putting a spin on this of my own? Do I hold pathetic aspirations that somehow this will bring her closer to me? Ah, the mind games begin... Mind games I play against myself...or is she playing mind games with me? I don't have the answer to ANY of these questions. Well, mind games of my own... the answer should be most likely. Mind game of hers... not very likely. Ack..

haven't posted in a while...

2001-11-15T07:05:39Z

Yup, I was booted from the 'net for a week... for uploading... 600 MB! 600 MB that I did not upload! I don't know where they got that number from, but I guess it was as good a time as any to get kicked off. BME exam on Monday and Orgo on Tuesday. I managed to do decently on both i think... except for the fact that I totally screwed up the Orgo open ended section. Oh well... the neverending cycle of midterms has ended... and now I have a lot of free time to waste. This is the worst. I feel so apathetic I don't even want to watch anime or anything. I'm really bored...I started playing Baldur's Gate II for chrissakes... oh well... I AM looking forward to going home for break. Perhaps I will be able to vegge out nicely at home. Unwind... break up this monotony... get my haircut!!! haha....

confused...

2001-11-02T08:16:54Z

yay! Patty just called... and I was happy... for a brief moment... Then I begin to wonder... Why am I happy? Why did she call? Patty doesn't usually call me. When she im'ed me.. she said that "sometimes it's good to talk outside of the box," meaning the IM window. When she did call though, we didn't really talk about much of anything.. just how our days went, what we are planning to do... things of that nature. It's just I wonder if she called for another reason? Am I being egotistical, thinking that there was some motive? Did she have a question or something that she wanted to say? Did I take up too much of her time and not allow enough time for her to say something? Come to think of it... we didn't really talk much about her. Something's fishy... I don't know what it is. I hope she's ok...
So... I don't know why I was so happy to talk to her... or why I rushed down from statics session at 12:05 to try and catch her phone call. Makes no sense... Am I just repressing feelings for her? Is it just because she lives so far away and I rarely hear her voice? That's funny... 'cuz this may seem harsh, but I don't get that excited when Joy calls. I don't know what's wrong.. I thought that I knew what I felt for her... and what I wanted... but now I'm not so sure... Especially the other night... I find when I talk to her... I come to these truths...
Patty was asking if I was hiding something. I had commented that I wouldn't know what to do with a relationship if it came and kicked me in the ass. Then she asked me if I was implying something, like if a relationship was knocking on my door. Let me just say.. I was partially thinking about my relationship with her (as in, what is the nature of my interaction with her), but I was thinking out loud. And even if I was thinking about relationship relationship, the thing is, Patty probably doesn't have any feelings for me of any nature like that. So, as you can see, the problem isn't about whether a relationship exists or can exist, but rather, how I should deal with my interactions with her... I don't know... I don't know what I'm saying... or do I? I should just treat her as a really good friend.. No matter what games my mind is playing, no matter what I construe, I should just... repress any feelings that I have... I should just be a coward.... because.... this friendship means a lot to me. But what if she does have feelings for me? Hahaha.... can't answer that one, can you, buddy?
I'm just very confused... I have no answers.... I only have partial not so good questions... Too bad the one who usually sticks around to help me arrive at an answer... cannot help me out.

PS: I bombed physics... hopefully, statics will turn out ok. Damn you, Dirac!!!!

self-doubt, not self-love

2001-10-28T07:47:00Z

Patty recently asked... if I had no self-love, then how could I love others? That's a really good question because I always find myself doubting and second-guessing every action that I make. Then, I hate myself for the outcome or am simply relieved that I haven't really fucked up. I would rather throw myself down for another person then to save myself. I don't really place as much value on myself as I reasonably could. Actually, the question above needs clarification. Did she mean that I would not know what love really means? Or does she mean that I wouldn't be able to be loved if I don't love myself? I think the former is easily answered. I love my brother, my parents, my sister, and my friends. I have the capacity of love. I know what love means. The latter, however, is harder to answer. Of course I could have all the love for a woman that is possible in the world. But when it comes to when that woman is returning that love... How could she? If I don't love myself, then how could she love me, the person who hates the one she loves? That's kind of stupid.... but I think that's sort of true. I would end up exasperating that person, driving them away with my inability to respect myself. The thing is, I do respect myself. Is it more of a fact that not loving myself is disrespect and that my respect for myself is lowered? If I don't respect myself, then why should another person? If I don't love myself, then why should someone else? I resolve to become a narcissist and worship every action that I take. heh....

sigh ....what fun times I had today...

2001-10-27T05:42:31Z

7:00 am - kevin walks into the room. my alarm clock goes off. patty calls. time to go to nyc after shower and breakfast.

8:50 am - arrive at train station. buy tickets. train is delayed for 30 minutes.

10:45 am - arrive at penn station. maria is not there. we search for maria. we find her.

11:45 am - after several subway changeovers, we are at columbia u. we're in maria's room watching gackt videos.

1:25 pm - go to tomo's to get lunch. patty and maria have shrimp and veggie tempura. i have the sushi lunch. the wasabi is especially hot, their ginger is pretty good. i get 7 pieces of sushi and 4 pieces of tuna roll. patty does not like yams. she does not eat her yam tempura.

2:00-7:00 pm - we went to book-off. i bought hide's jazoo for myself. i bought l'arc~en~ciel's true for aileen. i have another incidence of "$38.88." have fun in general looking through the store. then, we head over to rockefeller center to the kinokunya bookstore. maria purchases gackt's another world and a copy of fool's mate with gackt on it. we contemplate buying hyde's evergreen or yukihiro's ring in the noise. i still cannot find cowboy bebop ost's. after the second bookstore visit, we head to chinatown. we get lost. not really.... we manage to find our way to elizabeth street. we look at the kogepan stuff. patty buys an utena poster with utena and anthy lying in bed spooned together wearing their pajamas. maria buys hello kitty in a kimono. then we go to elizabeth center, where i plop down $35 for what may be a knockoff of the starscream remake. we then go to st's alp. i have a green tea flavored bubble tea. patty has a coconut shake of some sort. maria has the japanese style cheesecake. she also has coconut flavored bubble tea. we ask the waiter to take a picture of us all. weirdness ensues.

sometime around 7:15 - we find out the 1/9 is shutdown. we take a cab back up to columbia u. maria shows us some the malice mizer videos she has as well as gackt's rendition of the josey and the pussy cats song. also, we see the crotch splitting video. we meet kunal, mark, mark's girlfriend who looks like rei, and yeah.

9:30 pm - i must bid farewell to patty and maria. i take a cab from columbia u down to penn station. train comes. i get on and listen to some globe - global trance.

12:30 am - get back to room. kevin is sleeping.

I had a busy day. A busy day spent shopping and hanging out with Patty and Maria in NYC. It was a pleasure meeting Maria. I just had a great time in general. I only wish, that days like this could go on forever. I miss my friends who don't go to school at RU, like Joe and Patty. *sigh* Now it's back to work and monotony.

Feeling guilty

2001-10-26T04:38:07Z

I feel really really bad... Aileen is applying early to university, and she was asking advice for her essay. It was basically one of those deals where you have to describe the hardest decision that you've had to make in your life. So she was telling me about how she wanted to write about wanting to quit the track team. I was like... what? Can't you do a little better? I mean, it looks kind of like quitting and you're just spinning it to look like something positive. Oh wait... I forgot that she did finish out that track season and the only quitting she did was in not joining the team the next year... Anyway, I must've sounded really harsh because she started crying. I'm sorry, Aileen.

Arrogance

2001-10-25T07:43:43Z

Just got back from the U2 concert at MSG. Boy was it something... I was feeling so elated at being there and just taking everything in. Patty came down from MA, and everybody had a ball. There was the crazy asscheek couple in front of her and Sandeep, the guitar girl from the crowd who helped play "knockin' on heaven's door," and the I Luv NY t-shirt girl who danced with Bono. Good times... definitely. It's just now after everything's done that I begin to question many things.
First of all, what exactly is my relationship with Patty? The answer is simple. She is one of my good friends. I don't know though, if she considers me a good friend. After all, I was only chosen as a ticket buddy after she apparently asked: A) everybody in her dorm and B) betty and ann and iris and maria and probably her whole high school graduating class. That kind of hurts in a way, but I don't know why. She's just a friend, but I find myself getting a bit attached to her. I think it's a fundamental flaw whereby I get emotionally attached to practically any good female friend that I make. Like with Joy and even Betty for a little while. Those passed after a while, though. It just makes me feel uncomfortable and weird sometimes when I'm near her. Which begs the question... Do I make you feel weird Patty? Do I? Because if I do, please tell me. I mean there's probably a reason I wasn't asked sooner or that she keeps dropping these hints for me not to go with her on Friday. I think I'm just paranoid and am not able to properly read what's going on here? It's probably all true, in which case, just tell this geeky kid to go get a life and stop bothering you. Why do I even believe this problem exists? Could it be my own arrogance?
Speaking of arrogance, Patty was being "arrogant" today when she said that I was going to NYC with her because of her. I mean, she was joking... but sometimes there are little truths in jokes. It's just weird... I feel weird... I feel weird when she IM's me and my away message is up and she says "PLEASE COME BACK!!! PLEASE!!!!!" I know, I'm really sick in being affected by all of this, it's just this oversensitivity of mine. I feel almost like a dog with conditioned response to praise of some sort. I'm totally misinterpreting everything and having fun doing it apparently. This is rambling, and I'm just confused. I just want to stay good friends with Patty, and eliminate these weird dog-like feelings and just have a nice friendship. Yes, that's all I want. Whatever... if this is read by anyone I know, well... that's the point. I wanted to be able to reveal things and to not hide secrets while pretending to keep them. But, Patty, if you read this, please just ignore it and let me figure out why I behave like a dog. Let me correct this behavior.

I hate people.....

2001-10-19T21:23:53Z

Yes... yes I do... I hate people... I don't know what brings on these feelings of utter and total disgust and revulsion. Is it just because I get peeved? Let me clarify first... People means people I don't really know, people that aren't really my friends. I'm just so sick of them. Just a couple of things that are going on right now... First, there's John and his girlfriend and his two friends who are over all the time. They are creating chaos in my normally so nice and quiet suite. They use up all the toilet paper in the bathroom and I find myself refilling that too often. The sink area is a mess as well as the trashcans. I feel disgusted when I have to brush my teeth, and the recycling bin is full of regular trash. I mean, I could very well take out the trash and clean, but that won't stop this from happening, and they don't really care about making this mess. I guess it's a case of "well, it's not mine, so I don't have to take care of it." Argh....
Then there's the matter of other people that I see on the way to class and people who are in my way when I'm going places. I just have so much anger and I don't know why. Not only are people making me sick, but I'm making myself sick. It's just not right to be thinking, "Move, you cow!" all the time. I don't know, hopefully I will be able to calm down. That's why I'm listening to the brilliant green. They are brilliant and nice and mellow and relaxing. Whew....
In other news, I estimate an 80% on orgo exam 1... I'm a bit disappointed, but it will hopefully be an A. That is all, you are dismissed....

Orgo Aftermath.... feeling fine

2001-10-17T08:42:23Z

Maybe it's this "laugh and peace mix," maybe it's the fact that I really did study decently, but after that orgo exam, I was feeling all smiles. I was like... ear to ear, and I had a nice little walk back to Morrow for some statics and econ action. What is wrong with me? Maybe it's one of those times where things are so bad you can only smile? But I don't really feel that way. I could easily answer most of the questions and there were only 3 or 4 that I really had to guess on. The exam did take a toll on me, however. When I got back, I went over to Betty's to do some hw. We didn't get much of any work done at Betty's. One statics problem... and that's it! Haha, still got 10 econ problems to finish... When am I going to sleep? Oh well...
Reminder to self, never order thermonuclear anything from Cluck U again! I'm so weak... I'll need something on a lower scale of pepperiness (hotness?). Had 6.5 Hot Breast Bites today, and boy was it a chore. Dan and Ray were finished after 3... Sam finished his 4... and me and Rich toughed out our 6. Ouch...I think my mouth still hurts.

happenings, exams....

2001-10-16T07:13:56Z

yeah, so on the way to BME exam today.. I found myself checking out this girl's ass.... (wtf?!?) I don't know, this is a rare occurrence for me. Usually, the hormones aren't really raging when I'm out just walking around. I guess they're usually suppressed to a great degree... I hope that isn't what's giving me problems right now. 'cuz that would suck.. Sometimes I don't really feel like a real guy 'cuz I'm not always scrutinizing women's bodies. It just strikes me as funny. Suffice it to say that that was a lovely ass.
Ok, that was just weird. Anyhow, the BME exam was ok... John Li wasn't around, so that stupid Farooqi TA was there, and boy was it not pretty. Some of the exam questions didn't have correct answers to choose from! ( or I got them wrong...) But that's highly unlikely as we all know.
Anyway, so now I'm up studying Orgo, when I have the whole day tomorrow... Might as well absorb what I can now... Argh... Oh yeah... I had one more thing to add. Patty was asking me today if she gives off "be friends with me" vibes or "let's have a relationship" vibes. Really, the question was supposed to have come from Maria. I don't know... When I first met her, she was giving off both vibes I guess, whereras now she's just giving off "friends" vibes? Especially when she tells me things like when her boyfriend (former) wanted to kiss her (before they brokeup) she wanted to puke or hurl or push him away or something of that nature. I wonder what kind of vibes I give off... I hope they don't smell, I hope that they are inoffensive, I hope that they are pleasant vibes, I wonder if I give off lots of "friend" vibes and no "i'm a lonely pathetic male" vibes. I wonder about these things... but I can't reallly say since I'm not the one receiving vibes. I just transmit my vibes. Silly boy, Trix are for kids....

bumming

2001-10-13T07:07:45Z

whew.... it's been awhile since I last wrote, but I don't have anything important to report. I guess for the most part, I have forgotten what was the big deal a couple of days ago. I mean, I could go back and read all the AIM conversations and what I wrote in the journal, but the full import of what happened doesn't strike me at all. I don't know if it's a defensive knee-jerk reaction or what, but it's really hindering me from changing. Oh well... see? I'm just uncaring right now and can't really get myself THAT interested in the goings on of Chris's life. haha...........
So nothing new, I have some statics homework due on Wednesday and let's see... oh yeah... exams on Monday and Tuesday. So it looks like not a lot of goofing off this weekend... hopefully... I will be able to get some work done this time. Usually when I have all this free time, I think I will get the work done... but it never does! Let's see... orgo and intro to bme... It shouldn't really be that hard... but I'm worrying like I always do.
Oh, just to catch up on some little news tidbits. Rita pulled through and got U2 tickets! So it looks like we'll be going on Wednesday, October 24. I really wonder what it'll be like. The only other concert I've been to is that Billy Joel/Elton John concert a few years back... I think in '95 or '94. Oh yeah, and today.. I saw Wonhee while me and the gang were doing quantum. I don't even know why I bring this up. But she kind of just walked past to do her laundry, and she just gives a passing, but not very friendly glance. Then Betty waves high, and she comes in... and gives us one of those.. "why haven't you visited us?" deals... And I was really annoyed... it's more like... "why haven't you bothered im'ing, calling, or visiting me?!" What right does she have to make some kind of claim like that... I don't know, that whole group seems to be getting really far away from me. I always feel dissed when I talk to them. Like Nancy... whenever I IM her, she just never answers... and magically always goes idle. Oh well, it's little things like these that just add to that feeling of melancholy for some reason.
Enough of my complaining... I'm getting IM'ed even this late, and I can't really concentrate on this... egads....

Processing.... who am I?

2001-10-07T08:55:07Z

ok, so this feeling of loneliness, really isolation, sets in at 1:00 AM, and I become depressed. So I end up whining to Patty and we have this discussion about why I'm unmotivated, why I feel depressed, and why I am the way I am. It's kind of tough to collect all my thoughts at once, in this one place. So i'm gonna buckle up and try to sum up everything that we talked about. Let me open up this conversation I saved. Oh yeah, did some talking to Joe, and I'll have to sum that up too. Then, I guess if I have time, I can see what I can do about it.

Ok, I'll start with the first convseration and add comments here and there. So Patty and I started talking about how I was feeling purposeless and that I was being dragged along by a current to nowhere. I was feeling like a defective product because I couldn't really motivate myself to be productive. I wasn't feeling the need or the "passion" to go out and be pro-active. So basically, I was being depressed about being a sack of potatoes. The problem was, I didn't know why I felt that way. The way I think is to always take other people into consideration. Sometimes to the point where my own concerns are ignored. The problem is that I want to care about people, but people only think I'm weird. They have no other opinion other than "weird." They have no good, decent qualitatively filled opinions to give. Just a single word to brush me off. So, it's hard for me to get involved or to feel involved. I was wondering why they were brushing me off. Patty had this to say: "you think very deeply but I often think you're just in denial about a lot of things. like you have hopes and dreams buried within you, but somehow denial and reality just suffocated them. oh, your observations about people and your attitude toward suffering. but then you get into "computer playing game" mode and denial hits. you actually strike me as a very sensitive and aware person and as a result, you just build this phony layer of yourself." I guess that's what really strikes me about this conversation. Am I really phony to even my friends? Who sees the mask? Who sees who I really am? Basically, I don't want to have this mask, I want to be me. Just like with this journal. I want to simultaneously make a secret but expose it for the world to see. I don't want to hide.

This brings me into my conversation with Joe. We basically decided that this has been going on for a while. Back in middle school, I would sporadically have these mini-emotional breakdowns that I could never explain. We decided that the cause was a mask that existed that I use. It's used because I need to restrain who I am in order to get along with people, to protect myself. One component of this mask is the ability to imitate certain actions from other people, and by incorporating different elements of these actions, create a non threatening facade. The problem is that I use this facade with everybody I meet and that's why I feel like such an observer. So, the problem could be with my current group of friends, that I'm using this mask constantly because they aren't the right fir for who I am. The problem could be with my communication with them or lack thereof. The point is that the mask is being used and it shouldn't have to be used. So, I don't really know what's going on... It's 5: AM and I AM REALLY FRAZZLED... I don't even know if what I just wrote makes any sense or is coherent in any way. I'll find out tomorrow morning. Gosh, I got so much to do. Gotta run to compUSA in order to get jewel cases. Gotta run and get my haircut. Gotta do this godforsaken orgo! Argh.... Well, it's been a long "night" and I guess following it with a long day won't be so bad.

Doings

2001-10-07T05:13:39Z

hey, I'm just sitting here. It's 1:00 AM. Feeling kind of lonely, I don't know why. It's interfering with my ability to do orgo. When I start feeling lonely it makes me want to loaf, to ask senseless questions, to hang around the 'puter. Didn't do much of consequence today. I sat, I ate, I did some homework, I washed the sheets and towels. That's pretty much it. Oh yeah, I also watched (make that, in the processing of watching) the anime movie, "Spriggan." I guess it was ok. About some secret agent code named Spriggan, something about Noah's Ark, and about how said secret agent kills the enemy. I'm not really done with it, the laundry kind of cut into the movie. And since I'm in this mood, I don't really feel like resuming watching it. Ever get that feeling... where you are bored and want to do something, but you just don't feel interested in anything? Well, that's me. And I'm pretty sure that if there was someone to keep me company or somebody to provide me companionship, I'd still feel the same way. I just feel isolated and like a sack of potatoes. I don't even want to play a game, for chrissakes. Goshdarnit! Even that was half-hearted. Oh well, I suppose I'll finish up Spriggan and then try to get some work done. Maybe I can snap myself out of this funk. or not.... At least I have some nice clean towels and sheets should I feel the urgent need to sleep or clean myself.

Having second thoughts....

2001-10-06T23:16:36Z

I'm really having second thoughts about this damn journal. I mean, probably everybody has already read all these stupid things I've said. But isn't that what I intended? I don't know, maybe I really want the world (my friends) to really see what a shallow person that I am. I wish this site had usage statistics like even geocities has. Then I could not feel so paranoid. I could continue to live on in blissful ignorance. Hope, pray, that I can continue winning this game and hiding in anonymity. Do I really say the things I mean? or should I say, "mean the things I say?" I don't know, maybe this is all a farce. I'm forcing myself to say things, anything, if it will just fill blank space. Maybe that's my true purpose. To fill blank space.....

Oh yeah, it's Mom's Birthday!!!!

2001-10-05T07:20:09Z

yeah, that's right... I'm jubilant (if only for a few minutes). 'cuz... I realized it's Friday. meaning... IT"S MOMMY'S B-DAY!!!!! I really do thank the forces of nature that my selfish self has such a kind and loving mommy who does such wonderful things for me. and watches out for me... and cares for me! I feel really happy and I want to cry tears of appreciation and joy. I love her and want her to enjoy a good many more happy B-Days in the future. like a trillion more! Plus, I wanna give her a big hug and maybe say something to the effect of what I have just written. Too bad she's some distance away and it's 3 AM. Oh well. I love you, Mom!!!! (big hugs and kisses to everyone, even though I really don't do that kind of thing... just for Mommy and Daddy, and seeeester, and brudder). Hehehehehehehehehehe.... I'm just a bit giddy and smiling all of a sudden.

The night's doings

2001-10-05T07:12:22Z

Ok, so tonight I went to the RUTC meeting, and boy, did I feel like an asshole after getting out of there. It's not like I DID anything, but my reaction to the whole meeting was a little too skeptical and well, totally not with the mellow mood I was in before. At the meeting, Kyle presented a montage of shots taken relating to the aftermath of the World Trade Center attacks. The point of this slideshow was that he learned a lesson from all the people that had died. He went on and on about people who had these inspirational human interest stories. One was about the two guys who helped make the plane crash in Pennsylvania instead of in a larger population area. Another was about people who telephoned their loved ones as the buildings were going down. Stuff like that...I guess what he was trying to say was that these people didn't just die like useless lambs, that there was something almost noble about the different ways they reacted to the circumstances. I don't know though... I just get the feeling that these were a bunch of people who died for no reason and the only lesson that we really CAN learn is that humans can make each other die in really horrific and senseless ways. The rest of the meeting followed this theme, with Wilson talking about how we shouldn't feel guilty about having survived and enjoying life. I totally agree, but I don't understand why a person would feel guilty about being alive in the first place. The world is for the living, not for the dead, and people who live in the world do so not because they deserve to live in the world but because they manage (through a little skill and a little luck) to avoid the many bad random things that happen. We should mourn more in this instance simply because these acts were deliberate, and people have it hard enough dealing with the random crap that happens. Anyway, so my reaction to the meeting was... "This is a waste of my time.." "so?" and... "When will Kyle stop being so melodramatic?" And I feel really bad for some reason, and I was depressed during the whole of the meeting (and I didn't hug Rose and Diana like I was told to). And now, I'm just in that "eh" sort of mood.
Oh well, so I was talking to Patty today, and I asked her how much and what anime I should send her. And she responded with "I'll take anything you give me, christopher." (or something of that sort). And for some crazy reason, I wanted to tell her that I miss her (as a friend) and love her (as a friend). But I didn't want to freak her out! I mean, the past 2 days, her profile has been reading about how she needs love, and love solves the world's problems and how we should all love one another. I guess I was influenced by that. I love all my friends, all my friends who are guys, who are girls... you name it. That's why I don't get why people make buddy lists on AIM and divide the people into college friends and high school friends and such. I mean, if a person is really your friend, you shouldn't distinguish what kind of love you have for that person. You are sharing a bond of friendship, and love goes a long way to forging that bond. (ok, I'm sounding like a gay spaced out hippie, but that's ok.) But I digress... it's just that she's one of... actually... practically the only one I have ever been able to confide in. I always have Joe, and he'll always show me consideration and give good thought to the matter. That's what Patty does too. Plus, I guess she's better at prying it out of me? Even Joy, who considers me one of her best friends.... I can't tell her what dark and foul mood I'm in or what I'm thinking about certain things. Because the relationship isn't exactly two-way. She thinks in a very mainstream way that I can't relate to sometimes. Oh well, too bad I'm a hermit and Patty lives so far away. I really ought to start writing to her. But what will I say? I suppose I can edit what I say in this journal and then send it to her! hahahahahaha.... chris, you dork.

Sitting Around

2001-10-04T15:36:39Z

So, basically, Intro to BME is my only class of the day. Today's class was great. Prof Li basically told us the exam's gonna be a cinch...(sic...?). Anyway, I hope I can make the rest of the day productive. Right now, I am finishing up the burning of anime for Patty and Maria. I told them I'd get them the discs sometime soon, but this whole thing with finding jewel cases and/or sleeves to put these discs in is really getting to me. Betty told me about this site called "supermedia" that sells pretty cheap sleeves and jewel cases, but I don't know if I can wait at this point. I don't know, somehow, I feel like a letdown if I don't get these discs to their destinations soon. What's wrong with me?

Vampire Hunter D

2001-10-04T03:30:40Z

I just went to see Vampire Hunter D Bloodlust 2000 with my brother at the Regal on Rt.1. I must say, what a pleasant movie going experience. Unlike the horrid Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, Vampire Hunter D delivered on the expectations that I had. The English dub was fairly good. The only wrong thing with it was the parasite in D's hand. They gave it too annoying of a voice and too much purposeless monologue ('cuz D doesn't talk back). Well, the movie itself was a lot of nice action like in the original movie. The big difference this time is the plot. Whereas in the original it was just D after the main vampire dude, in this one there's an underlying theme of loneliness and the meaning of love. Pretty standard stuff, but considering the first was a lot of hack and slash.... heheh... Well, the animation was beautiful and D looks really great. Gone are the dark blues that he wore in the original. This time he's back in full black, and his sword is more wicked than ever. I'm going to bask in this relatively pleasant aura now.

What have I done... AGAIN?!?

2001-10-03T21:40:53Z

argh... I don't know what's going on... I just walked out on econ class while Warmingham was looking straight at me! Is it the physics? Should I even care? I suppose from an economic standpoint, the opportunity cost of staying in lecture is goofing off with this damn live journal. It was me, Andy, Frankie, and one of Andy's friends. I hope Warmingham doesn't remember what we look like. I know I'm getting a haircut sometime this weekend, so I should look a little different... Plus, I was wearing my BoSox cap, and looking scruffy in general. Maybe he won't identify me on Monday with the shagster punk who walked out. Oh well, just as long as he doesn't punish us in some weird way, I guess I should be fine.
Oh well, now I'm using this time to loaf around. I opened up Betty's livejournal, and I certainly hope she is ok. She keeps referring to these "friends" who constantly just use her. I see very often how she is taken advantage of and wonder why she can be so cheerful and doesn't care. Well, now I know that she does care and that it's a very strong concern of hers. A week ago, I would've just been totally uncaring because of that incident last year. But now that I look back, I was wrong to suspect her, and perhaps the coldness that I've shown her was detrimental. Due to those events though, I can no longer trust as easily as I have before. I still dont' know if she knew, especially since she is supposedly so close to Dennis and Rob. I guess all I can do now is hope to trust her.... Oh yeah! I also have to get her a gift of some sort and write a card and say, "I'm sorry. I'm an ass." But that brings up a pretty good question. Should I let her know that it's me saying sorry or just someone saying sorry? I know that makes no sense because she needs to know who sent it in order to forgive them. But isn't it enough that someone is saying sorry? The more important question though is does she know that i've been purposefully trying to ignore her? I mean, she's not a blind dunce, and I'm sure that since Patty told Iris that I suspected her, Iris must've told Betty at some point. I mean, Ann doesn't even say, "hi" to me anymore. She just gives me this lackluster... "hi" and runs away. They know that I've been treating Betty like a guilty criminal, so I can say, "I deserve it." Now that I think about it, I do deserve to take responsibility, so I guess the card shouldn't be anonymous. But I'm just so afraid of the reaction I'll get. Will she laugh and mock with Rob about what a fool I am? or will she just steel herself against me even more? Is she even doing that right now? The Kid isn't even answering my current IM, so I wouldn't know. She's always acted so chipper, yet one has to wonder how much she is hiding behind that kiddie Halloween mask of hers. Ok, I had best sum up what I've decided to do.
1) Get a card and gift for Betty. Say, "I'm sorry."
2) Make sure the card is signed and delivered by... me....
3) This is just miscellaneous stuff that is popping into my head and I can't stop. Call ASUS and tell them what a bunch of jerkoffs they are. Get my money from College Ave. Burn CD's for Patty and Maria. Buy jewel cases so that I can ship said CD's. Get a haircut.
4) Call Joy and tell her what's up. I don't know why i've been avoiding telling her. I mean, she does have to know who is harassing her. But somehow, I'm not sure that if I tell her it's one of her better friends, she'll have an ok time dealing with it. I mean, she's already under a lot of stress from class and activities and just life in general. I don't want to add to that burden, but also, I don't want Rob to be messing with her ever again.

Disappointment

2001-10-03T20:21:54Z

Crap! So the physics exam didn't go well at all. I wasted my first 20-30 minutes on 3 problems, leaving me with the other 30 minutes to finish 13 problems! Freaking A!!!! Well, my disappointment stems from the fact that I didn't get this one problem. I know I'm a master of velocity addition, so that problem was easy. But then there was the really easy problem about doppler shifts realitivistically. I had all the numbers and used the wrong formula due to a careless glance at my sheet! So instead of having a + it was a -, and well... CRAP! Oh well, just checked my answers online and I got a 67% or 10 out of 15... this sucks... I don't know why this is getting to me. But not so much anymore, since after the exam, me and Dan went to my room and played an hour of Max Payne. nice..!
In other news, my bro IM's me and goes... "yo, send me a mail. wanna see vampire hunter D at regal?" WOW!!!! VHD finally out wide release. I can't wait for this remake. I'll be gone tonight instead of doing work... heheh....

Uh oh!

2001-10-03T13:38:43Z

Agh! Once again, I have overslept my alarm clock... stupid journal, why am I writing in it now?! Hope this physics exam goes well...

poicc @ 2001-10-03T03:04:00

2001-10-03T07:03:17Z

Ok, I'm already leaking secrets like a pin pricked water balloon! I added Patty to my friends list, and I found out that... the friend can see people who add you! I hope it doesn't appear... dammit!

What have I done?

2001-10-03T06:53:04Z

So, I've finally bitten the bullet and gotten a livejournal (TM), which i always manage to misspell "liverjournal." (Wow, how exciting...) Why have I done this? Well, I heard of livejournal from a friend of Patty's. Well, actually I saw that she had set up a page here. (Does that make me a voyeur?) And now that Patty has gone out and gotten Betty and Iris to sign up for livejournals, it makes me wonder... I've never had a journal, and previously considered it too "girly" to write in one. But, I suppose the experience is cathartic in a way, and it lets a person get things off of his/her chest. And seeing as how i have trouble confiding in people.... So here I am... However, I haven't told Patty, Betty, Iris, or Maria (Patty's friend... hmm.... wait.... these are all girls.... DOH!) about my signing up for this. I suppose I never will. Why? Well, in order to be able to write my true feelings down, I must avoid those I know. Knowing that someone I know is reading this will limit the content of the journal; I will have to censor every sentence I write. So why am I writing in the first place? To prove that I exist? Well, in a sense, yes. I was telling Jen Cheng today that people are defined by the secrets they keep. At the time, it was trivial bs, as I was explaining to her the quote in my profile. Now that I think about it, it is true in a way. People are always wearing masks to conceal their true selves. It is only those that are close to a person that know the real secrets. And even then, no single person has access to another's secrets. This is because as humans, we are limited in our ability to communicate with each other. Our intimacy with others is dependent on how well we are able to communicate. Our ability to communicate is based on speech and writing. Our true feelings are hidden in our hearts and in our minds though, and crude language can only translate a certain percentage of what we are feeling and thinking. Thus, this journal is already an imperfect medium. But I digress... The point is:
1) I have another secret I can add to my trove. I suppose this little secret can help me develop and to define myself. I am a geeky introvert and thus, never examine myself truly. I always avoid, hide, and conceal to avoid the scrutiny of others.
2) This journal is public. I'm an exhibitionist (yeah, right....). I can now put myself up to a higher level of scrutiny than I can do myself. And if my friends find out...? So be it! I will never know that they know unless they tell me.
3) I can waste more time than ever... Physics midterm is in... a little less than 11 hours.. great...
4) I can somehow justify the $25 that I have spent (haha, to keep this page anonymous, which probably won't last for long).
Ok, enough of THIS bs... for now... and it's not bs...?

PS: Thanks, Patty... Why do I find that I try to be a better person when you are around? Of course, effort is not all that matters. I am a fool... (oh yes, be personal, you fool!) Now I can think and examine on a level that you do (well, maybe a few levels down, but close enough...). I've always been envious of that ability.

POI